Total Warhammer 3 Review: Destroy Elves™ | Nuke The French™
Total Warhammer 3 Review: Destroy Elves™ | Nuke The French™
Now that Immortal Empires is out, we can take a look at the entire Total War: Warhammer series. Spoiler alert: it’s fun.
Total Warhammer III: https://store.steampowered.com/app/11…
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00:00 Intro
00:22 Premise
02:04 Empire and Basic Mechanics
05:14 BALTHASAR GELT, SUPREME PATRIARCH OF THE COLLEGES OF MAGIC
06:12 Vampire Counts
07:20 DWARFS
08:51 This Video is BIASED
09:36 The French
10:16 DA BOYZ
11:17 The Skaven
12:38 Elves
13:22 The Cooler Elves
13:48 Vampire Coast
15:13 China
15:59 Chaos (may or may not be a ladder)
17:51 Conclusion
18:23 Credits
#review #totalwarwarhammer3
Content
0 -> Do you like dwarves?
Do you hate elves?
2.64 -> Do you wish you could change the French climate...
4.88 -> Permanently?
If so, you've got a very weird set of
7.76 -> preferences, but that's why I like you.
Welcome to Total Warhammer 3.
12.16 -> Immortal Empires just dropped and it’s very
stable. I daresay it even has too much polish.
17.68 -> So this video is also about the first
2 games, and (almost) all of the DLC.
22.64 -> If you're unfamiliar with Warhammer, good!
It is the pinnacle of nerd shit made by a
27.52 -> horrible company that nobody likes.
Oh, sorry, was that too harsh?
31.6 -> No, by all means, please!
Go spend 400 dollars on a buncha figurines, and
35.84 -> hang out with a bunch of pretentious nerds so they
can lecture you about how it's not "a game", it's
40.72 -> "The Hobby", and how their army is so pristine
and valuable that you can only handle it with
44.88 -> double-layered surgical gloves, but they can smear
cheeto grease on your guys until the end of time.
50.56 -> Yes. Game sux, fight me.
The setting, on the other hand, is incredible.
55.2 -> It's like someone read Lord of the Rings
and missed every single theme and moral
58.96 -> lesson you could possibly derive from it.
"Oh, what's that? 'Your own personal battle
63.6 -> to resist the temptations of evil are
as righteous as a thousand battles'?
66.88 -> Pfft. Fuck that! Infinite Rats."
Every faction is funmaxxed to 11,
72.56 -> which makes the setting (and the 40k
version) perfect for adaptations.
76.24 -> And this game is one of the best
adaptations I have ever seen.
80.08 -> But how can I say it's a great adaptation
if I don't know anything about Warhammer?
83.92 -> Because I'm not talking about Warhammer.
Like I said, it's nerd shit.
88.88 -> We play video games on this channel.
Total Warhammer adapted the established
93.04 -> Total War gameplay to fit with the Warhammer
setting, and instead of being a niche game that
97.28 -> only appeals to fans of both, it turned out
so good that it appeals to fans of neither.
102.16 -> Like me.
The fun video game got
104 -> me interested in the ridiculous lore, and the
vast Warhammer setting creates a plethora of
108.8 -> opportunities to create new gameplay mechanics,
or put a creative spin on existing ones.
113.28 -> I see video games as a massive
interdisciplinary collaboration.
116.72 -> So I want to talk about how stuff like
music, sound, and art design all feed
120.88 -> into the core experience. But uhh,
these videos exist so *king crimson*
124.8 -> Human factions in fantasy tend to be
straightforward and no-nonsense. So naturally,
129.04 -> Warhammer's human faction is based on the most
convoluted, nonsense shit in human history:
134.24 -> The Holy Roman Empire. To make a long (his)tory
short, "hey guys lets invade France." "No." "Oh
140.24 -> fuck I'm being invaded by the Ottomans
again please help." "Ugh, fiiiiiine."
150.88 -> If you've played a Total War game, The Empire's
arsenal should be just the right blend of familiar
155.92 -> and unfamiliar. If you haven't, it's just
an RTS where you control entire regiments.
160.16 -> The main thing ya gotta learn is morale. Units
have a red health bar like in every other game,
164.56 -> but all the health in the world means nothing
if they run away. That's what morale represents:
168.96 -> how close the unit is to realizing "Oh fuck,
I am in a battle, I am going to die." You can
173.92 -> keep morale up by helping them feel safe and
comfortable, so keep your formations tight,
178 -> flanks secure, and leaders close by. *show leader
is alone* Why doesn't he have an escort? Because
182.08 -> he IS the escort. Yeah, if I saw my general throw
a fucking fireball, my morale'd go up too. Then
188.64 -> it'd go right back down when I see Steve--wait
fuck this is Germany--"Valmir Van Vonvolkvan" get
194.32 -> his head ripped off by a vampire. Yeah, if that
didn't rout me, seeing his headless corpse get
199.6 -> back up and join the enemy army definitely would.
But I'm getting ahead of myself. Combat isn't just
206.48 -> a back-and-forth spook-off. Combat is actually
based around the single most important invention
210.96 -> in human history: the pointy stick. Hand a
couple out to your buddies and you're laughin'.
214.96 -> But the pointy stick's only good if you can
actually get to your stab wound recipients.
219.04 -> This is why we express-mail them smaller,
pointier sticks from our bows, crossbows,
224.08 -> and yes: guns. If you think about it, a gunshot
is just a really long-distance stab wound. But
229.28 -> that's just semantics, we've really gotten away
from the spirit of this whole exercise, y'know:
233.2 -> holdin' a pointy stick with your own 2 hands and
personally disemboweling enemies of the state.
238.16 -> Which also includes the state, this is the Holy
Roman Empire after all. But uhh, yeah. Fuck those
242.72 -> archers. They probably can't hear me, so let's
go deliver the message, personally. *cavalry
252 -> charge* Pop quiz! What are these called? Calvary?
(buzzer sound) Nope! It is "cavalry". Anyone who
257.28 -> say's "calvary" is fucking wrong, 'cause I highly
doubt they're referring to "an open-air depiction
262.56 -> of the crucifixion of Jesus Christ." Fuck I
got distracted. So that's the basic Total War
267.36 -> Triangle, in way too many words, and I didn't
even cover exhaustion. Yeah, troops get tired
272.32 -> if they have to run around or go uphill, but
I always forget about that. I'm just like,
276.16 -> "Ah c'mon, you only ran seven miles, uphill, twice
because I fucked up a formation move. How are you
282.72 -> losing this fight?" Yeah, I'm- kind of dumb. This
core stupidity is the foundation of my playstyle.
288.96 -> Remember the words of Sun Tzu: "A real man
oughtta be a little stupid." ** Therefore,
293.52 -> it's not a "misplay" to run an army with
19 rocket batteries. That whole triangle
298.16 -> business of "spearman pokes horsey", "horsey
pokes gun man", "gun man shoots man man"
302.16 -> doesn't matter when their entire army is getting
the Ted Kaczynski Special. Spearman? More like
307.92 -> Smearman! Cause now he's a smear on a fucking
ground. But hangon, back up. Why only 19? 'Cause
314.24 -> ya gotta make room for Gelt.
*I am supreme!*
317.68 -> Basically in the world of Warhammer, all
wizards have to pick an element, and Gelt
321.6 -> picked metal. This got him bullied relentlessly
at wizard school, 'cause he picked the lamest
325.68 -> element while everyone was obsessed with the Chad
College of Bright. "Oh, what's that? “Soulblight”?
331.76 -> “Light of Battle”? I've just been spamming The
Burning Head, bro." But then Gelt realized,
336.48 -> "Hangon, money is power. And I can turn anything
into gold... HMMMMM!" So, after turning lead to
342.96 -> gold, and people's bones to lead, Gelt dethroned
the brainlet fire school, and became the Supreme
350.72 -> Patriarch of the Colleges of Magic. AKA: a fucking
nerd who's only a general because nepotism and
352.241 -> makes terrible speeches. "Some of you may die,
but that is a sacrifice I am willing to make.
352.334 -> But don't worry! I'll use my magic to make your
zombified corpse's death quick and painless. Now
352.431 -> march! We gotta collect a shiny for the bossman."
His Mortal Empires campaign is really funny.
355.12 -> Instead of having to fight humans both
living and dead, the emperor just asks,
358.88 -> "Hey man, I've got my hands full over here,
could ya do me a solid and murder everything
363.36 -> in a 3 mile radius?" And murder you shall.
*maybe a short gelt explosions compilation*
372.56 -> But how can you kill... what's already
dead? I mean, rockets work pretty well but,
377.28 -> it's-it's a transition, just roll with
it. The map is basically just Earth,
380.32 -> what'd you expect to find in Fantasy Romania?
Yeah. That's right. Vampires. They're called
384.88 -> Vampire Counts 'cause they're technically
still part of The Empire, but they always
388.24 -> vote for themselves so it doesn't really count.
Haha. Get it? Count? What you won't be counting
394.08 -> is their numbers, because jesus christ *showing
A LOT of undead units on the march*. Turns out,
397.92 -> "Total War" is just free
real estate for necromancers.
400.8 -> The main gimmick here is that your units are
undead. Ya can't fear for your life if you
405.04 -> don't have one. The entire army is being magically
puppeteered, and when that magic juice runs out,
410 -> the army crumbles to dust. And what is that magic
juice? Morale. Instead of routing, your units
415.44 -> just die. That's cool! That's fun! It's a simple
change to a basic mechanic that has far-reaching
420.72 -> implications for how you play. Now you don't have
to worry about your human shield wall getting cold
424.56 -> feet... Y'know 'cause they're already cold.
Instead, you've gotta focus on your leaders.
428.88 -> This ain't Lich King rules. If they go down, the
army goes with them. Granted, they don't go down
434.08 -> easily, but I've got just the tool for the job.
*dwarf artillery murdering the vampire leader*
442.08 -> I. Fucking. Love. Dwarves. Between this game,
Deep Rock, Gimli, Wind Rose, and the entire high
444.642 -> fantasy genre, these spiteful little bastards have
won my heart. They've got brotherhood, tenacity,
446.48 -> a knack for engineering, and a burning hatred
for anything even remotely resembling an elf. And
451.6 -> for the record, it's "dwarfs" because that is the
grammatically correct English plural for "dwarf".
456.48 -> "Dwarves" isn't a word. It was made up by Tolkein.
His "dwarves" are characterized as a proud race,
462.8 -> stern and unbreakably stubborn defenders of order.
Y'know, 'cause they're Germans. I mean really,
469.36 -> think about it! They're grumpy, they're good
engineers, they stubbornly adhere to rules
473.36 -> and procedures, they like beer, and they're
racist! Dwarves are just Germans and nothing
479.36 -> you can say will change my mind. Warhammer took
these traits and ran with them, albeit not very
484.24 -> quickly *showing dwarfs running (they're slow)*.
Very dangerous over short distances though.
487.04 -> In Warhammer, they are so stubborn, so proud, and
so spiteful that they remember every single person
493.6 -> who has ever wronged them. They hold onto these
grudges until the end of time, so Dwarf domestic
498.88 -> and foreign affairs are largely driven by The
Book of Grudges, a giant shitlist of wrongs
504.24 -> that need righting. Kinda like My Name is Earl,
but instead of an apology, it's several volleys
508.72 -> of high-caliber munitions from a mile away.
This playstyle synergizes with my aforementioned
513.76 -> idiocy, making me a master practitioner of The Way
of The Brainlet. "Flanking maneuvers?" "Terrain
519.12 -> bonuses?" Pffft! How 'bout I throw rocks at
you until you go away? Duzzat sound good?
524.16 -> 'Cause it sounds great to me! *watching enemies
get killed by grudge throwers with audio*
531.28 -> I gotta level with you. I'm not an rts player.
Essence of brainlet is fundamentally incompatible
536.8 -> with the genre. What I want to do is watch my
T-rex bitch-slap someone out of existence. What
541.76 -> I should do is tell my kroxigors to get outta the
way before *explosion*. Yes, this is a me problem,
552.56 -> although I would advise reconsidering your "skill
issue" comment, since that's the whole point of
557.76 -> the video. I'm not an RTS fan. I'm not a Warhammer
fan (thank god) *warhammer thing price*. Me
562.64 -> enjoying this game at all is significant. But I
don't enjoy it. I fucking love it. Its diverse
568.4 -> swathe of content lets me pick what I like, and
the setting is so violent and racist that it's
573.2 -> fun to hate what I don't like.
Case in point: The French.
587.84 -> I will always claim to hate the French, because
they were the dominant European land power up
591.92 -> until the unification of Germany and I think
its funny to perpetuate that nationalistic
595.92 -> European rivalry as an American living in the 21st
century, but this game gives me an actual reason.
602.08 -> Y'see: they're the cavalry faction. I'm sorry, I
can't enjoy watching them plow finnish femboys;
607.28 -> I have 13 other units to micro. The most fun I
had with them was forming all my heavy cavalry
612.16 -> into a giant penis. My only weakness was the
pincer formation, 'cause y-yknow... *SNIP*
616.56 -> On the flipside, here is a faction that I love
to death. *some funny greenskin voiceline idk*
622.96 -> Fantasy orcs tend to be brutish, sadistic killing
machines. *extra credits orc thing* Not because
626.96 -> its a racial allegory ya fuckin' weirdo, it's
'cause they're a metaphor for the corrupting
631.04 -> influence of absolute power. This theme is nowhere
to found in Warhammer though, 'cause the orcs:
636 -> just really like fighting. *another greenskin
voice line* That's it. That's the whole story. No
641.2 -> thoughts, head empty, just WAAAUUGHH!!! They spell
everything wrong, have a violence-based economy,
649.2 -> and their social standing is based entirely
around how mean and green you are. And remember:
653.68 -> its subtractive colors, 'cause we're talking about
pigmentation. So the greener you are, the darker
658.08 -> you look, which means the Black Orcs are the top
of the food chain. See? Toldya it wasn't racist.
662.88 -> The greenskins are great for people like me. I'm
not too good with formations, terrain bonuses,
667.76 -> or sneak attacks, but neither are they. They're
just here for a scrap, and so am I. That would've
673.2 -> been a segue into their upgrade system, but
again: this video exists sooo... Infinite rats!
678.8 -> "Hello, yes. Did you order a new subway
tunnel?" "Well, we built one anyway,
682.64 -> directly underneath your treasury."
Welcome to: New York City. This is basically the
687.2 -> logical extension of the Mouse Utopia Experiment.
We've got infinite rats, with 0 sense of empathy
692.88 -> or compassion, and they're all packin'. Did
you know, the rate of firearms homicides has
697.76 -> drastically increased in the past few years?
With your help, we can get it: even higher.
703.04 -> How do other factions avoid friendly fire? The
dwarfs outrange their enemies, the empire goes
708 -> around them, the elves shoot over their allies,
and the Skaven shoot through them. Skaven infantry
713.52 -> suck dick, and they know it. They will run away
at the slightest inconvenience, and even get
715.358 -> buffs just for running away. They're not gonna
stick around while you rotate your flankers,
717.52 -> so you've just gotta seize the opportuni-
NOW FIRE RRRATLINGS FIRE-KILL YES-YES!
722.64 -> Everyone else is stuck with like
late medieval/early modern tech,
725.6 -> but the Skaven use space rocks to make straight-up
laser beams it is so fun. And the only reason they
730.72 -> haven't conquered the world yet, is that everyone
hates them. Every race on the planet can put
735.52 -> aside their differences and agree, "Yeah, fuck
the Skaven.", including the Skaven. That's not
740.32 -> gonna stop me though, as the Way of Brainlet
dictates that I must purge every unworthy elf
745.6 -> in holy fire. Naturally, this involves the most
feared and respected tactic of all: actual nukes.
753.28 -> Don't worry about them. They deserved it. Maybe if
I use 2 they'll make me some anime or some shit.
757.92 -> I have another fantasy bias: I hate elves. Its
prolly just 'cause of Deep Rock, but they fuckin
763.12 -> deserve it. With their dumb, smug faces and
sense of superiority, they just suck. And the
767.837 -> people that're into elves are even worse. That
said, Warhammer has some fun with the concept.
770.8 -> Here we've got wood elves, high elves, and dark
elves. Wood elves are like 50% the elf stereotype
775.76 -> of treehugging weirdos, with the other 50% being
"Cây đang nói tiếng việt". High Elves are the
780.16 -> standard kind of elves that I hate. Warhammer high
elves are a significant improvement, by virtue of
785.84 -> being infinitely more punchable. They really like
their spearmen, and those aforementioned tabletop
790.32 -> nerds will get REALLY uppity if your tactics don't
involve a lore-friendly quote "staunch line of
795.92 -> spears" endquote. Shh, nobody tell 'em that I-
form a checkerboard pattern to exploit the AI,
801.2 -> that'd really piss 'em off. Finally,
we have dark elves. *n'wah clip*
806.72 -> No, they aren't just a little racist every now and
then, they are COMICALLY EVIL. Like, kick a baby
811.84 -> and laugh maniacally kind of evil. Their economy
is based... On slavery. Their supreme leader is
817.76 -> Darth Vader. Their home region is a barren
wasteland. They use their naval superiority
823.6 -> to bully the global south. They... Also live
in America. I'm- not sure what that means...
828.24 -> Gotta cover vampire coast because
they're incredible (Main Plot)
828.4 -> Let’s talk about what's probably my
favorite faction. Yes, I love the dwarfs,
832.16 -> but the Vampire Coast has taken funmaxxing to
a whole new level. *that part from the trailer*
851.44 -> Unlike the vampire counts,
who have no ranged units,
854.24 -> almost every single Vampire Coast unit has
an unreasonable amount of firepower. Sure,
859.28 -> they might not be fast, versatile,
accurate, or even remotely clever,
863.6 -> but neither is the enemy *show a still shot
of an enemy corpse* At least, not anymore.
866.48 -> The typical swashbuckling pirate sense of
bravado and lack of self-preservation work
871.2 -> perfectly with being undead. You can absolutely
afford to throw caution to the wind and choke the
878.48 -> air with bullets and cannonballs alike. And if
they compromise your gun lines, eh. It's fine,
883.36 -> you can always make more. Or, you can reform half
a battalion into: the worst unit in the game,
888.96 -> which is coincidentally a cornerstone of the
Brainlet Style. Oh man, those are some really
893.84 -> cool high-tier infantry. Better hope they don't
get bunched up, 'cause *bloated corpse explosion*.
899.6 -> And if someone calls you bad, just remember the
words of Sun Tzu: "To win without fighting is the
904.8 -> epitome of skill. To lose to a fucking bloated
corpse army is the epitome of skill issues."
913.52 -> Speaking of Sun Tzu, *china will grow larger*
While the other factions put some kinda crazy
918.4 -> spin on established fantasy concepts, Cathay
is just fantasy China (‘cause their models
923.36 -> sold like shit). Their aesthetics and gameplay are
ripped straight outta actual Chinese history and
928.08 -> mythology. And frankly: that's almost more
batshit than the made-up stuff. "Ahh yes,
933.52 -> make sure the Yin and Yang are in harmony, or
else your auras will become most inauspicious."
938.96 -> Except I don't really care. I'm too busy drowning
in gold, since my Silk Road rakes in fat stacks
944.96 -> from those "ai-gwai-lo". No, you can't have any, I
need it. *the scrooge mcduck clip where he throws
948.964 -> 1 penny to a beggar, but its the Cathay leader
and the other cathay leader* I have a Great Wall,
950.48 -> and a doomsday timer, and I know enough
Chinese history to know what that means.
954.56 -> *bastion invasion army spawned*
Oh... That's a bit anticlimactic. Lemme explain.
959.6 -> In real life the endgame event was just The
Mongols. In Warhammer, it’s: The Fun Police.
965.36 -> I’m serious. The four chaos gods exist solely to
curtail the ridiculousness of any given faction.
971.84 -> Ya can’t be too fighty, or you’ll fall to
Khorne. Ya can’t be too cartoonishly evil,
976.4 -> or you’ll fall to Slaanesh. I.. don’t
know enough lore to finish that analogy,
980.48 -> but the gameplay gets it across just fine.
Y'see: Tzeentch *The Trickster and Changer
984.2 -> of Ways* turns The Enemy into enemies.
Slaanesh *the Prince of Pleasure* turns
988 -> enemy units into friendly units. Nurgle *The
Lord of Pestilence* turns all units into no
992.16 -> units. And Khorne *The Blood God and Lord
of Murder* turns no units: into enemy units.
996.96 -> Slaanesh and Khorne are based around, or
should I say, "cringed around" melee infantry,
1001.52 -> so uhh. Boring. Lame. Nurgle has a lot of campaign
mechanics, and we haven't talked about those for
1006.4 -> a reason, so that just leaves my favorite one:
Tzeentch, who is very balanced. First of all,
1011.76 -> the roster is very brainlet-compatible.
Most of your units spam magic missiles,
1017.68 -> and ALL of your units get a free Halo Shield.
Uh- whoops, I'm taking too much damage. I'll
1022.16 -> just pull back and use my passive, free,
infinite healing ability. Second: the magic.
1031.28 -> Magic in Warhammer works by channeling the
ever-changing "Winds of Magic". Tzeentch,
1036.24 -> The Lord of Change, has direct access to
everyone's magic juice. So, while the enemy is
1041.84 -> bogged down by your seven thousand missile
units, you can just swoop in, steal their magic,
1046.96 -> and use it to open a black hole.
Fun fact, this strategy taught me
1051.6 -> a very important lore lesson. You see: the
Lizardmen were magically bio-engineered or
1056.24 -> whatever to fight Chaos. At first, I didn't
understand why. I mean dinosaurs are fun and all,
1061.52 -> but why do they have to be reptiles? *unable
to target lizardman leader with spell* Oh.
1064.96 -> Yeah it turns out: Temptation, deception, and
corruption only work if you have a fucking brain.
1071.52 -> So that was Total Warhammer 2. I don't care about
the series. I don't care about the franchise. But
1077.84 -> holy fuck is it fun. It is the ultimate
exemplar of what a good theme can do.
Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JC9Dq5EOHJQ