Rise of Legends Review | 🇮🇹™ Edition™

Rise of Legends Review | 🇮🇹™ Edition™


Rise of Legends Review | 🇮🇹™ Edition™

Best $5 ever spent.

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Content

0 -> Hey, hey people, Sseth here.
1.614 -> Let me tell you a story.
3.041 -> Once upon a time, younger me was visiting Latin America.
6.781 -> While there, I stumbled upon a bootleg video game store.
10.481 -> To put things into perspective, I paid a total of 5 US dollars.
15.021 -> In exchange, I got Titan Quest, burnt on a blank CD,
18.321 -> Russian Half-Life 2, which I finished without understanding a single word,
22.541 -> Russian Serious Sam 2, which was actually just malware,
26.301 -> but also, I got this little disc containing not Rise of Nations,
31.061 -> but the Sci-Fi fantasy steampunk spin-off, Rise of Legends.
35.161 -> Released 2006 and covered 17 years later, which, by personal standards,
40.401 -> is a quick and timely review, Rise of Legends is a game I hold close to my heart.
45.061 -> First of all, I don't actually have a disc anymore, so I torrented a copy,
48.741 -> installed it, found out it was entirely in Russian,
51.661 -> which I should have guessed from the installer, looking the way it is,
55.561 -> downloaded an English copy instead, and that told me to insert disc 1.
59.821 -> So, I copied the executable from the Russian copy
62.414 -> to the English copy, and finally, it launched.
65.121 -> Moral of the story, graft shit together until it works.
68.301 -> Speaking of which, this game runs perfectly on Windows 10.
71.621 -> Flawlessly. Impeccably.
73.281 -> And I can literally see the pixels for the pre-rendered cutscenes.
76.921 -> Anyway, setting. We're on some planet.
79.361 -> Which one? I don't know.
80.761 -> Because video game bootleggers in Rio typically don't give you a manual.
85.241 -> So, uh, I'm kind of just making this up as I go along.
88.081 -> An alien ship breaks up in orbit and crash lands onto the planet.
92.001 -> And, uh, that's all the background you get.
94.401 -> Now, uh, 99% of this game is the campaign, which is mainly what I'm going to cover.
98.881 -> So let's start by playing the Vinci.
101.241 -> Who are the Vinci?
102.681 -> In this world, there are no humans, only Italians.
106.225 -> Accordingly, everyone is Italian, everything is industrialized,
109.684 -> and tensions are running high.
111.481 -> This game is Pastapunk. Ravioli-core, if you will.
115.041 -> You play as Giacomo, an inventor from the city-state
117.974 -> of Miana, governed by his brother Petruzzo.
120.401 -> Together with General Carlini, your army
122.801 -> sets out to investigate an alien crash site.
125.441 -> Seeing your approach, a rival known as the Doge
128.493 -> blasts the mountainside using an alien weapon.
131.481 -> Petruzzo throws you to safety, but in doing so, he becomes a pancake.
135.481 -> As you watch Petruzzo marinate in his own Ragù, you vow to get vengeance on the Doge.
140.721 -> The first two missions serve as a hands-on
142.744 -> tutorial to get acquainted with the core mechanics.
145.201 -> You control any number of units, tactics matter, and each
148.261 -> of your heroes have unique abilities on preset cooldowns.
151.321 -> Winning the game involves conquering a rival city, while holding on to your own,
156.041 -> which you have to manually expand by building specific districts.
159.521 -> You have two main resources, Timonium and Gold.
162.081 -> Timonium, similar to Cobalt, is extracted from the ground by Congolese miners,
166.841 -> who do it simply for the love of extracting rare
170.061 -> earth metals to fuel the Italian war machine.
173.081 -> Gold is obtained by building merchant districts.
176.041 -> Each one allows you to make a single caravan, which will
178.881 -> automatically trade with the nearest neutral settlement.
181.721 -> The longer you trade, the larger your trade deficit, which
185.024 -> you can use to forcibly buy out the entire neutral dwelling.
188.441 -> This is the peaceful option.
190.041 -> You pay gold, the price of which goes down
192.15 -> depending on how much you've traded already,
194.361 -> and in exchange, we get a functional dwelling and all the troops defending it.
198.281 -> This system makes sense, except in the second campaign, where for some reason,
201.961 -> I could buy out an entire nest of carnivorous salamanders,
205.881 -> which goes to show, doesn't matter how evolved
208.441 -> you are, you're not immune to the free market.
211.001 -> There's also industrial districts, which give you mutually exclusive prototypes,
214.921 -> and military districts, which are exactly as they sound.
217.721 -> They increase your population cap, allowing you
220.541 -> to take shit over using the less peaceful option.
223.481 -> This involves breaking shit until you start taking it over.
226.921 -> If you're very impatient, or there's a tactical advantage from doing so,
230.521 -> you can click the number that appears in the center to
233.241 -> forcibly storm the dwelling, taking immediate control.
235.961 -> This is incredibly expensive, as you sacrifice an equal number of grunts,
239.721 -> but hey, you get to see PhysXâ„¢ particle effects as everything breaks apart.
244.281 -> This shit looked photorealistic when I saw it for the first time.
247.881 -> I was thinking, damn, I wonder how crazy video games will be in the future.
251.721 -> Little did I know, I had Overwatch 2 Paid PvE Season 1 to look forward to.
257.801 -> Originally, Giacomo starts on a horse, but in Mission 2,
260.849 -> you get a considerable upgrade to your vehicle.
263.825 -> Get in the EVA, Giacomo, or Carlini will have to fight again.
267.641 -> After attempting, or succeeding a mission, you get taken
270.559 -> to the Overland map, and time progresses by one turn.
273.321 -> Here, you can choose your next move, spend experience on upgrading heroes,
277.161 -> army points on buying units, research points to unlock new units,
281.155 -> and economy points on districts for occupied territory.
284.441 -> The last part is really interesting, because
286.56 -> when you attack territories adjacent to your own,
288.921 -> reinforcements will pour in from surrounding territories,
292.095 -> depending on the number and type of district.
294.65 -> Anyway, moving on, we make an assault on Pirata,
297.317 -> who are being blockaded by the Doge's Skycrusher, a gigantic surface-to-air battery.
302.361 -> This is an issue for the faction, since their main export
305.791 -> is a paper-thin aircraft based off a sketch by Da Vinci.
309.161 -> We counter his wicked machinations by... walking, and win the support of Pirata.
314.041 -> More importantly, we win the support of Lenora, Pirata captain,
317.401 -> and the person who's gonna crush Giacomo's head
320.004 -> between her thighs in the post-game credits.
338.457 -> I fucking love this cutscene.
339.753 -> Each time there's something pre-rendered on screen, it's always hype.
342.855 -> Next, we have a pressing issue.
344.496 -> Uh, two of them, actually.
345.677 -> Don Sclario and Lord Rocco.
347.974 -> These act as the puppets of the Doge, with Sclario providing financial support
352.441 -> from the western city of Feligno, while Rocco is the key supplier of Timonium to the north.
357.465 -> Before we can assault the Doge's capital of Venucci, we need to sever these sources of support.
362.73 -> Honestly, I don't think this affects the campaign, and I don't care.
366.173 -> I care more about the fact that these guys steal territory every single turn.
370.769 -> So, we're gonna make a beeline for Rocco.
372.902 -> On the way there, we conquer Condottieri Castle and unify the Condottieri.
377.424 -> In the real world, this word means mercenaries fighting for Italian states.
381.884 -> In Rise of Legends, this means unhinged, unwashed,
385.634 -> feral Italians.
387.174 -> These are tribalistic primitives who eat their pasta completely raw,
391.153 -> snapping the pasta bone to drink the delicious marrow inside.
395.218 -> After that, we enter Monte Laguna, which is under siege by self-driving clockwork.
400.322 -> New Tesla update dropped, and unfortunately, it's misidentifying Italians...
405.178 -> As Sicilians.
406.396 -> we gotta take down the fabricators, and subsequently, whatever this is.
410.675 -> Next, we go to the same region where Petruzzo was murdered.
413.721 -> To pay respects?
414.629 -> No.
415.191 -> To do a timed mining objective, but mainly so I can progress time by another turn.
420.042 -> Why?
420.569 -> Because I've been stacking research points to unlock the juggernaut,
423.912 -> and I've been stacking army points to fill my army with juggernauts.
428.092 -> It's worth explaining at this point that larger units can trample smaller units,
432.834 -> and a fucking tank is, uh, significantly larger than most units.
437.008 -> When half my damage is just right-clicking past the enemy, I got a pretty good deal.
441.75 -> Anyway, onto Rocco's capital.
443.601 -> This is the same place we get Distruzio, who is simultaneously the best
448.081 -> and the worst hero in the entire game.
450.38 -> Aside from Giacomo, he's the only person with a wide radius heal,
454.24 -> and he's also the only hero with a small, negligible chance at throwing the wrong grenade.
460.46 -> He's my favorite hero, because there's literally nobody else who's managed to make me rage quit.
465.487 -> And restart a scenario multiple times.
467.873 -> And yet, I still pick him every time.
470.115 -> The mission itself is pretty easy, because Distruzio's forces take most of the heat and buy you time
475.379 -> to build free juggernauts and pound Rocco's base into oblivion.
479.457 -> One puppet down, one more to go.
481.583 -> We head south for Corbanile Mines, which have already been captured by Sclario.
485.769 -> Some maps don't have a specific scenario or objective,
488.879 -> instead playing like a standard skirmish map in single-player.
492.339 -> The difference being that I spawn in with two juggernauts,
495.371 -> which means I right-click his base and come back to a victory screen.
499.25 -> We assault Feligno, which has the gimmick of being built on a mountain, forcing us to...
503.792 -> slowly travel economy on a zeppelin to actually get there.
507.131 -> Along the way, we can also rescue some captured prisoners,
510.229 -> which include Battaglion, a hero who can one-shot cities.
513.955 -> Despite this insane power level, freeing him is completely optional.
518.016 -> You see, to finish a mission, you only need to complete the main objective.
521.726 -> Bonus objectives are take it or leave it.
523.797 -> You might miss them and not even know what exactly you missed.
527.058 -> That's why every time I do a mission, I peek the quest log.
530.121 -> If I see any random question marks in the bonus section, I know there's something out there.
534.565 -> Two Stooges gone, now we just have to deal with the Doge.
537.513 -> Which is, uh, harder than it sounds.
539.552 -> As we took Feligno, Doge took Monte Laguna.
542.654 -> I tried retaking it, but his walker...
544.802 -> is insanely OP.
546.195 -> So I reloaded and took Sileia Forest instead.
548.718 -> Doge pushes again and takes Corbanile Mines,
551.156 -> but this time, I learned how to properly micro my troops.
554.498 -> Also, I had free Juggernauts.
556.271 -> This may have helped.
557.185 -> We push on to Dirsi, which is a timed prison break scenario.
560.685 -> Also, my recording software broke for like 20 minutes, and it sounds like this.
570.784 -> Basically, we have to rescue a bunch of magistrates
573.216 -> he's imprisoned to loosen his political grip on Vinucci.
576.367 -> And we have to do it before reinforcements show up and murder us.
579.547 -> Afterwards, we take Ranconi, which is only accessible by bridge.
582.896 -> The Doge attempts to block our advance by sending a truck of peace,
586.45 -> which we counter with a tank of love and tolerance.
589.574 -> Finally, we invade Vinucci,
591.091 -> take out his land Leviathan,
592.473 -> capture his Doge Cannon,
593.714 -> and point it directly at his troops.
595.903 -> But the Doge is nowhere to be found.
604.131 -> Carlini gives you the dire news.
627.858 -> And that's the end of the first campaign.
629.809 -> Let's start the second.
631.397 -> Spoiler!
632.217 -> We, uh, didn't make it on time.
634.062 -> Miana has been deleted from existence.
636.703 -> Inexplicably, after committing Italian Nagasaki, the Doge's army marches east.
641.467 -> Through the desert kingdoms of the Alin.
643.654 -> And we set out in hot pursuit.
645.578 -> Speaking of hot, we're not built for this environment.
648.672 -> We need shelter, and we need it fast.
650.686 -> So we decide to take the help of a mystic who is definitely not going to betray us.
659.819 -> Five minutes later, the mystic betrays us.
662.093 -> Luckily, we're saved by Ari,and taken to the court of Azar Harif,
667.564 -> where we get shelter and a bit of backstory.
686.404 -> Lenora's not happy about the desert, but even less happy about Ari,
690.465 -> and she leaves, despite the fact that I only have eyes for her.
694.169 -> I already know Ari's only desire for Giacomo is to birth a child
698.895 -> that's slightly higher up on t caste system.
702.25 -> I have no interest in her wicked plans.
704.832 -> Let's get some things out of the way.
706.616 -> Who are the Alin?
707.926 -> They're dark, Swarthy, Arabic, desert-dwelling wizards with cities that float in the sky.
713.679 -> They summon elementals from circles of sand, fire, and glass.
717.498 -> As there are no humans in this world, we must consider the next logical alternative.
722.225 -> The Alin are Sicilians, and they're currently having a problem with the Dark Alin.
727.348 -> Basically, More alien debris crash-landed deep into the desert.
731.512 -> Mindbroke the genie Sawu, who created creatures of dark glass to overrun Mezekesh,
737.322 -> the greatest Alin city ever built, which has ever since been buried under a mile of sand.
742.706 -> But, ever since the Doge passed through, promising to improve the situation,
747.572 -> the dark Alin have awoken in full force.
750.283 -> Our only hope to stop whatever the Doge is planning is to find Mezekesh.
762.117 -> But before that, we have a city to defend.
764.221 -> This mission serves as the Alin tutorial, and it does a pretty good job of it.
768.08 -> What's never mentioned, however, is that Giacomo's walker has been upgraded.
772.309 -> His EVA unit is now equipped with a sunscreen.
775.322 -> This is critical to the plot.
776.971 -> Also, this campaign has a very annoying mechanic.
779.649 -> Every time you kill any one of the three genies on a map,
782.885 -> several turns later, they'll respawn randomly anywhere inside their territory.
787.7 -> That is a problem, because there's three of them and one of you.
791.64 -> So the only valid tactic is to rush the bottom of the map as fast as possible and cut them off,
796.76 -> funneling them into a choke where their numbers won't matter.
799.933 -> Failure to do so results in your map...
802.268 -> looking like this.
803.338 -> First, we take the Southern Dunes, where we get assaulted every night by waves of salamanders,
808.104 -> which stop during the day, where you have a chance to attack their lairs
811.515 -> and kill the BBW Queen salamanders that keep spawning them.
815.621 -> Then, we murder the same genie that tricked us at the start, and push on to the Nest of Dragons.
820.784 -> Our objective here is to free a bunch of dragons before they're corrupted.
824.366 -> However, the first dragon you free is so powerful,
827.367 -> He can free the rest on his own.
828.723 -> Mission design in this game is either win by a hair's length or win by starting the mission.
833.828 -> There is no in-between.
834.949 -> I had to pivot north because I was getting my shit pushed in,
837.791 -> and the next mission was definitely more of the former.
840.29 -> You have to hold out and defend a single oasis for 18 minutes,
844.567 -> while controlling two players at once.
846.76 -> Giacomo from the south and Pulitore, a former Doge chemical warfare specialist from the north.
852.212 -> The oasis has so little health that if anything so much as sneezes on it,
857.173 -> It's gone.
857.754 -> The last minute features a glass dragon that can one-shot the thing,
861.18 -> and generally, it's complete and utter chaos.
863.539 -> I push on to a generic skirmish map.
865.844 -> A genie respawns right in front of us, who we proceed to murder in another generic skirmish.
870.857 -> Then, we take the Bright Lands, which turns out to be a completely useless red herring.
875.058 -> Before, I have to fight another skirmish to push back another genie.
878.664 -> I push forward to the Fool's Path, which instead says Kalahese Desert in the loading screen.
883.701 -> I feel drunk, because I realize...
885.661 -> Half the maps in this game don't even match the name of the mission.
888.922 -> I load in, and to my horror, it's another generic skirmish.
892.246 -> Luckily, the one after that is a real mission, and also our main objective.
895.989 -> We need to subdue and capture the sand warden Dahkla, who's currently going apeshit.
900.453 -> To do this, we're going to beat the shit out of him.
902.656 -> Unfortunately, the dark Alin have the same idea, and it's a race to the finish.
906.955 -> It's a battle of domestic violence, and only the stronger backhand will prevail.
911.421 -> We're gonna show Dahkla the meaning of love,
913.763 -> in an Eastern European household.
915.704 -> Dahkla provides us with one of the keys to Mezekesh.
918.742 -> Now, we just need the key of fire to the north.
921.166 -> We proceed with the best mission of the entire game.
924.438 -> Giacomo smokes that gas station weed, which, inevitably, has been laced with PCP.
934.131 -> This entire mission is just Giacomo tweaking out from the effects of the dark loud.
943.395 -> You must escort him and keep him safe as he battles tactile hallucinations
947.602 -> and metabolizes the corrupted chronic.
953.509 -> We then free Andromolek, a glass magic user, and subsequently rescue the fire warden Damanhur.
959.212 -> With both keys, we get access to Mezekesh,
961.688 -> and then I rage quit the game anywhere from 20 to 30 times.
964.994 -> Reasons may include glass golem boss fight that one-shots your heroes,
968.838 -> Glass Golem boss fight that goes through damage immunity,
971.643 -> Glass Spider boss fight that stuns your entire army,
974.408 -> for which I had to learn the specific spawn conditions,
976.97 -> so I could bait the screen-wide stun and sacrifice only half of my army instead.
981.83 -> And of course, every time Distruzio fumbles a grenade.
985.229 -> Which is often.
986.07 -> However, we persevere and defeat Sawu, who joins us after being freed from the alien sissy Hypno.
991.454 -> If only it were that simple.
1002.087 -> Luckily, Lenora's brought reinforcements.
1004.523 -> Together, while dodging payloads of insta-kill shells from across the map,
1008.222 -> you charge the Doge's army and destroy his cannon.
1011.289 -> In exchange, you get this sick-ass cutscene.
1013.487 -> where Giacomo wins by repairing a clock and pulling copper wire.
1020.922 -> Just as we achieve victory,
1022.222 -> an alien ship appears overhead to repo the Doge's alien weapon.
1026.679 -> And that's the start of the third campaign.
1028.924 -> We follow the ship to the jungle.
1030.327 -> and there, we find a couple of jungle dwellers who have been forcibly boosted by a couple tech levels.
1036.025 -> The Cuotl represent the hybridization between the biology of the natives
1040.171 -> and the advanced technology of the aliens.
1042.466 -> If we take their appearance into account and the time period this game was released,
1046.336 -> the natives are basically Jaffa Warriors from Stargate SG-1.
1053.189 -> Come on, they even have staff weapons, just like evidence of thermite found at Ground Zero,
1057.952 -> this is probably just a coincidence.
1060.034 -> Anyway, we do the first mission and a cutscene plays, where Giacomo and Carlini defeat the Moon God,
1065.077 -> one of the four alien generals masquerading as theological beings on this planet.
1069.98 -> Unfortunately, another God shows up, and Carlini starts a monologue.
1074.706 -> So I immediately knew he was about to die.
1098.054 -> The Death God Zinn kills Carlini and takes the alien device stolen by the Doge.
1103.077 -> Wait a minute.
1103.868 -> Wasn't that device taken by the alien ship in the last cutscene?
1107.272 -> Apparently, no.
1108.461 -> Sorry for the confusion.
1109.757 -> I had to watch this multiple times to figure out that Giacomo shot down that aircraft off-screen.
1115.602 -> Also, Giacomo took a full hit of the alien device juice.
1119.08 -> He can now convert base metals into AliExpress quartz crystals.
1122.825 -> Using this newfound power, he spliced his mech into the dead body of the Moon God.
1130.47 -> Our objective is getting justice for my homeboy Carlini by killing the remaining three gods.
1136.113 -> So we do exactly that.
1137.401 -> We murder Xil, the sun god to the south.
1139.495 -> We murder Shok, the storm goddess to the north.
1142.117 -> There are unique missions here and there, but
1143.938 -> But for the sake of time, I'm skipping over them.
1146.18 -> Except the, uh, Cargo Escort Mission, which is completely rigged and designed to give you an aneurysm.
1151.4 -> The Cuotl are quite fun to play, mainly because they're completely different to any other faction.
1156.367 -> They don't use gold because they don't trade.
1158.76 -> This is replaced instead by energy, which is produced by nuclear reactors.
1163.157 -> They can turbocharge any dwelling to print units faster.
1166.47 -> And, uh, their basic barracks is actually a flying troop carrier.
1170.229 -> But nothing compares to my favorite unit, the Dick Flattening Sphere,
1174.15 -> which has the strongest trample in the entire game,
1176.86 -> deleting entire screens worth of troops just by moving over them.
1180.599 -> Finally, we reach the last mission of Rise of Legends, stopping the Death God Czin.
1185.761 -> If he isn't stopped within 60 minutes, he will activate the alien Skype call and destroy life as we know it.
1192.123 -> But his position is fortified by three barriers, which have to be destroyed on both sides.
1196.952 -> All the forces, heroes, and upgrades you've acquired during the previous campaigns
1200.778 -> will be there to support you for this final assault.
1203.317 -> With the Vinci on the left and the Alin on the right,
1205.702 -> you have to simultaneously control both armies and push past their defenses,
1209.723 -> which may include mechanized gorillas, until the barriers shut down.
1213.208 -> At which point, Giacomo's Cuotl forces break through the center.
1216.85 -> Completing the mission rewards you with this cutscene.
1219.397 -> Giacomo, realizing the Skype call has already connected, jumps forward with a $2 microphone
1224.957 -> and screams racial slurs, the intensity of which explode the relay.
1229.239 -> At first I thought, where's Giacomo?
1231.176 -> Obviously he survived, right?
1232.965 -> It wasn't until the cutscene was over that I finally registered that...
1236.975 -> He's dead.
1237.617 -> It's a very somber ending, and I don't like to grieve for too long.
1240.618 -> So I rewrote the ending to suit my own headcanon.
1243.7 -> Yes, Giacomo did sacrifice himself, but plot twist.
1247.426 -> Same day we defeated the Doge, conveniently, Lenora was ovulating.
1251.708 -> This could only mean one thing.
1253.319 -> Rise of Legends 2 would be a real-time strategy where you must both conquer the battlefield
1259.239 -> and morning sickness.
1260.825 -> Campaigns become increasingly more difficult as you swell and become increasingly more pregnant.
1266.776 -> Available now on Xbox Game Pass.
1269.02 -> In summary, Rise of Legends gets a floating Rubik's Cube
1272.676 -> out of however many men are currently inside.
1275.348 -> It's great, I love it, and I enjoyed it just as much as I did an entire decade ago.
1280.019 -> Why did I cover this?
1281.259 -> Because they're memories, and I don't want them lost to the sands of time.
1284.567 -> Unfortunately, the publisher is Microsoft, and we've already made contact.
1289.642 -> They don't give a shit.
1290.653 -> It's not distributed or sold anywhere, making this game effectively abandonware.
1295.286 -> Now, uh, I wouldn't want to directly link to a download page for this game for obvious reasons.
1300.892 -> However, I can't possibly moderate my entire comment section.
1304.271 -> So if, hypothetically, somebody showed up and linked the entire game,
1308.848 -> and a bunch of people just upvoted it to the top comment,
1312.184 -> then what could I possibly do to stop this?
1314.637 -> So please, don't do that.
1316.404 -> Because each time you commit piracy of an abandoned IP that's not making any money for the parent company,
1322.008 -> there's a DMCA lawyer out there who gets an additional kidney stone
1326.365 -> that he has to shoot out of his burning urethra.
1329.35 -> As always, more content to come, so stay tuned.
1332.051 -> A warm thanks to the many members of the Merchants Guild,
1334.873 -> generously funding and bankrolling these neutral settlement acquisitions.
1339.499 -> This episode is brought to you by Pastaficio Centoni.
1342.897 -> This is not a joke.
1344.036 -> You are not dissociating.
1345.458 -> The original reason I made this video was to plug a pasta sponsor,
1349.303 -> because I thought it was the funniest shit in the world that an Italian B2B pasta manufacturer
1354.472 -> decided one day that contacting me was the best use of their resources.
1358.926 -> Keep your money.
1359.8 -> The joke has paid for itself.
1361.667 -> You're all truly wonderful.
1363.448 -> Have a good one.

Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PCSWwL-f1WQ