Earth Defense Force 5 Review

Aug 11, 2023

Earth Defense Force 5 Review

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Content

0.071 -> Hey hey people, Sseth here.

1.674 -> I'm doing my part!

3.032 -> Are you?

3.666 -> The world is a bad place, and unfortunately:

6.379 -> it's gonna get worse before it gets better.

8.412 -> No, seriously, look out your window.

18.273 -> You are now a member of the Earth Defense Force.

21.001 -> Yesterday, you were just a civilian forklift operator/technician/mall cop/whatever this is.

27.886 -> But regardless, God is coming back to Earth.

30.374 -> He wants to make it a better place to live.

32.624 -> A world free of pollution, free of microplastics, free of vio-

37.062 -> Huh, well, okay, not that one.

39.115 -> But, uh, hey, that's two out of three.

40.944 -> Was there anything else?

43.349 -> Oh yeah, free of humans. You guys need to go.

46.277 -> Now, what are you gonna do about it?

47.884 -> You're gonna do your part.

49.515 -> With conflict comes war.

51.287 -> And with war comes the dreaded draft.

54.063 -> But I've got a tip just for you.

55.685 -> You can't get drafted if you get Enlisted™.

58.241 -> Enlisted™ is a World War II themed multiplayer shooter,

61.431 -> with a strong focus on historical authenticity.

64.07 -> We're doomed to repeat it anyway, so why not get acquainted with Enlisted™'s massive arsenal

68.879 -> of weapons, vehicles, locations, and fortifications.

72.375 -> With dynamic firefights always keeping you in the heat of action,

76.143 -> you'll have plenty of time to learn.

77.948 -> While many “college professors” would charge thousands of dollars for a “history degree”,

82.619 -> you can personally experience the horrors of war for the low, low price of completely free!

87.773 -> Just use my link in the description below or wait till the end of the video for a special offer.

92.447 -> Earth Defense Force started as an excuse for Sandlot to reuse assets from other projects.

97.304 -> However, in their quest for fast cash, they discovered something.

100.663 -> A new market force.

102.125 -> The primordial human desire for increasingly dangerous insecticide.

106.286 -> Listen, Raid is no longer enough.

108.533 -> We're living in the Garden of Eden, and the best way to defend it,

111.585 -> is to burn it to the ground.

113.173 -> As such, every EDF game is just the last game, but slightly better.

117.001 -> For example, the Ranger can now do this.

119.699 -> This franchise is in a constant battle to upstage itself and surprisingly,

123.961 -> it's still working.

124.869 -> This game is certifiably insane in the best sense of the word,

128.332 -> becausse nothing makes sense.

130.515 -> So hop in.

131.609 -> We've got aliens to fight.

132.911 -> But before you can play, you'll need to pick a class.

135.381 -> Here's a simple test to find out the right class for you.

138.423 -> Out of your friends, which are you?

145.133 -> If you've never played EDF before, pick the closest thing to normality.

148.842 -> The Ranger.

149.596 -> Every class shares one guiding principle.

152.191 -> I can't see anything and I have no idea what's going on.

155.12 -> Thankfully, the Ranger has access to the standard issue EDF windshield wiper:

159.489 -> The shotgun.

160.283 -> Which - is only the beginning.

161.577 -> EDF is a game of high explosives and higher explosives.

165.104 -> C4? Why stop there?

166.905 -> How about C20?

171.665 -> There we go.

173.382 -> Now, uh, go get 'em, champ.

177.873 -> Much like the currency of Zimbabwe, the explosives of EDF have experienced hyperinflation.

183.671 -> Because I have just unlocked C70.

186.463 -> Traditionally, tube-launched missile-based weapons platforms work by putting a rocket in the tube

191.108 -> and then firing it out of a tube.

192.755 -> However, this is no time for tradition.

194.812 -> Reloading is for chumps,

196.312 -> so, uh, we just cram like five in there at the same time.

199.2 -> What's the worst that could happen?

200.501 -> I mean, aside from small, unprovable changes in our reality.

203.947 -> Each time you fire that rocket, Nelson Mandela dies in a different date.

207.903 -> Each time you reload, the Berenstein Bears change once again.

211.788 -> And each time you hit the target, you do no damage because this is the post-nerf reality.

216.508 -> But that's okay.

217.586 -> Explosions don't even scratch the surface of what a Ranger can do.

220.83 -> Snipe your enemies from afar.

222.373 -> Minefield your enemies from up close.

224.319 -> Annoy your team with DNG grenades,

230.465 -> Wield the elemental powers of fire, acid, anime, and every flavor of Kool-Aid.

236.001 -> Or, the most powerful thing a Ranger can do...

238.82 -> Change class.

239.734 -> Yeah, sorry, I haven't been entirely forthcoming.

242.145 -> If you're playing multiplayer, there is no reason to pick Ranger.

245.383 -> And if you're playing single-player...

247.248 -> You know what, I completely respect that.

249.343 -> You do you.

250.055 -> Presumably, as a consumer of Japanese entertainment products,

253.333 -> no woman is physically present.

255.436 -> Or else, she would save you from your poor decisions,

258.32 -> physically punching the copy of Persona 4 out of your hands,

261.887 -> and freeing you from the path of a child predator.

264.659 -> But fear not.

265.676 -> EDF allows you to look upon the visage of a woman from a safe distance.

269.827 -> Introducing the Wingdiver.

271.487 -> If you're a Philistine, you might be upset because they removed her titty window.

275.358 -> But I've stared at this brapper for at least 50 man-hours.

278.683 -> So, imagine my surprise:

280.001 -> After 10 long years, she's finally wearing clothes.

283.672 -> Let this be a lesson, fellas.

285.329 -> If she says, "I'll be ready in 10 minutes," you've got plenty of time.

289.462 -> Take a nap, do your taxes, read a book.

291.822 -> But for the love of God, do not leave a car running.

294.677 -> Trust me, the money you save will be well worth it.

297.352 -> Why you, might even save enough to purchase - all the DLC.

300.699 -> Now, uh, who needs healing?

302.143 -> Yes, this is a completely necessary and unavoidable business expense.

306.001 -> And I will be deducting it for my taxes.

308.237 -> Now, uh, where were we?

309.675 -> Ah, yes, video games.

311.334 -> The Wingdiver has a jetpack.

313.107 -> The propellant is magic video game jet fuel,

316.309 -> which has the non-Euclidean properties of a single Romanian.

320.035 -> Virtually infinite,

321.088 -> and, given the chance, will asexually reproduce to maximum capacity.

325.119 -> This also powers her weapons.

326.859 -> Now, it may seem restrictive to fly and shoot with the same energy reserve,

330.411 -> but don't worry, that's why they come with internal magazines.

333.224 -> Or at least they used to.

334.282 -> But now some overworked, glue-huffing intern made almost every weapon charge-and-discharge,

339.717 -> which is great for single-shot weapons,

341.977 -> but for anything longer than that, it's like...

345.909 -> Oh, I guess I'm gonna be here for the next 20 minutes.

348.858 -> There's no way to know this in advance.

350.885 -> It's not a weapons stat.

352.052 -> You have to read through the descriptive paragraph for every gun,

355.717 -> to find out whether it's magazine-based or magazine-cringe.

358.831 -> Life must be hard in Japan.

360.919 -> "Father, father, when I grow up, I want to be a UX designer."

364.646 -> ""*GASP*, you bring this honor to our family!"

366.68 -> "No son of mine will ever create a good user interface!"

369.525 -> "Get these notions out of your head!"

371.484 -> "Now sit down for dinner!"

372.551 -> "Your mother made your favorite, tortured duck penis!"

375.506 -> Very nutritious.

376.556 -> The Fencer could be summarized as "Your motherfucking life ends..."

381.239 -> "30 seconds from now."

382.361 -> The Fencer is the polar opposite of a winged diver.

385.906 -> He's going to kill you eventually, given time.

388.271 -> But he's slow. Very slow.

389.752 -> But who cares when you can dual-wield anything?

392.001 -> Miniguns, mortars, missiles, melee weapons, shields, whatever you want.

396.503 -> Just remember, I lied.

398.001 -> He's not slow at all.

399.001 -> You get two slots for support equipment.

401.541 -> So, while the novice Fencer veers around uncontrollably,

404.621 -> the master Fencer just instant transmissions to where he needs to be.

407.887 -> I'm not a very good Fencer,

409.753 -> because I have brain rot from all the hours I spent playing Air Raider.

413.407 -> The Air Raider has guns, but more importantly, he has air strikes.

416.953 -> We're talking howitzers,

418.296 -> cannons,

418.693 -> bombers,

419.288 -> gunners,

419.788 -> orbital lasers,

420.612 -> ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)bulge lasers( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°),

421.731 -> whatever your heart desires.

423.602 -> When something renders the game completely unplayable for anyone with screen shake on,

428.602 -> you know it's good.

429.623 -> EDF is fully aware that griefing teammates by your very presence

433.777 -> is a fundamental human right.

435.251 -> So now, Air Raider has a third weapon slot, and more importantly, the...

438.775 -> "ONE HUNDRED FIFTY MILLIMETER CANNON, FIRE!!"

440.938 -> This game will inform you the status of every single air strike

444.438 -> in the current airspace.

445.668 -> That's the equivalent of telling me, a peaceful opium farmer in Iraq,

449.557 -> that there's a hellfire drone circling above me.

452.001 -> Believe me, I already know.

453.935 -> But hey, I know that when I'm incarcerated in a padded cell,

457.318 -> I'll be comforted by the sweet sound of

459.76 -> "This is DE-202. We're flying to cover the ground units again."

463.922 -> Who you calling a ground unit?

465.287 -> I'm taking to the skies.

466.529 -> [explosion]

467.283 -> Never mind.

467.927 -> The Air Raider has a wide array of vehicles to choose from,

470.532 -> provided they haven't already been stolen by the Ranger.

473.592 -> But I digress.

474.481 -> Here's a quick warning on handling.

476.207 -> Every motorcycle is completely unusable.

478.39 -> The depth crawler comes in clutch for underground missions,

481.249 -> but you might need a barf bag.

482.696 -> And finally, the the Armored Vehicle Grape,

485 -> is what happens when you sand your your tires for aesthetic effect.

488.001 -> Coincidentally, the Grape is the strongest vehicle in the entire game.

491.353 -> "Speed Vs. armor" isn't really a debate,

493.835 -> when a pack of spiders can unwind the fucking fabric of reality in about three seconds.

498.452 -> [Agony]

499.079 -> The Air Raider is described as a "support class,"

501.646 -> because I support my teammates into the afterlife.

504.226 -> You know what?

505.012 -> No.

505.408 -> I'm tired of these friendly fire jokes.

507.352 -> I no longer wish to be this person, this agent of chaos.

511.087 -> It's time to turn a new leaf.

512.531 -> Deploy the Roombas.

513.653 -> Every class has lock-on weapons, which reduce the risk of friendly fire.

518.147 -> And Air Raider has a suit of tools to make them even better.

521.001 -> Most of these you'll use once, realize they're absolute trash,

524.466 -> and never touch them again.

525.794 -> But how do you get these weapons in the first place?

528.445 -> Boxes.

529.272 -> Just like your unconscious roommate who's filled with delicious kidneys,

533.069 -> every alien is a veritable pinata of goodies.

536.001 -> Health pickups restore your health.

537.624 -> Weapon pickups give you weapons,

539.281 -> depending on a dice roll for some completely esoteric loot table,

542.777 -> And armor pickups give you +1 Max health permanently.

546.001 -> This system is garbage.

548.093 -> It sucks.

548.839 -> Nobody likes it.

549.824 -> It makes zero sense.

551.075 -> But EDF players aren't attracted to games that make sense.

554.587 -> They're attracted to drywall, and the taste of a homeless man's adrenaline,

558.14 -> as you chase him through the streets of New York.

560.678 -> These new unlocks allow you to create a wide variety of team builds,

564.485 -> based on the situation.

565.84 -> Finding out which situation you're in is a simple two-step process:

569.681 -> Do whatever you did last time, and get annihilated by some horseshit.

573.66 -> One brainstorming session later, and you'll figure it out.

576.471 -> Rinse and repeat until, much like my clothing,

579.115 -> the unending tide erodes away your very being.

582.243 -> Until you're no longer a man, but a lifeless husk,

585.778 -> driven by spite to beat just one more mission.

589.794 -> This is especially true of a DLC, which replaces gameplay with...

593.699 -> cock-and-ball tortureplay.

595.132 -> To aid your team's camaraderie in these dark times,

598.304 -> EDF has the most extensive voice command system you will ever see in your entire life.

602.85 -> And most of them have voice acting.

608.505 -> Remember, we might have 50-foot cruise missiles,

611.099 -> but the greatest weapon of all is hope.

613.635 -> When the situation is at its most dire,

615.918 -> it's on you to ignite the fires of hope...

618.863 -> with song.

629.824 -> The game - makes zero sense.

631.438 -> Surprisingly, so does the story.

633.118 -> This is a universe where everyone eats glue, including the aliens.

636.959 -> However, it is imperative that you understand the plot.

639.802 -> So, allow me to give you a quick rundown.

642.203 -> [inhales]

643.118 -> So, first you're a civilian,

644.288 -> but then giant ants show up, so they give you a firearm.

646.474 -> But when you get to the surface, it turns out there's an all-out alien invasion.

649.511 -> News commentators speculate on which country could be responsible,

652.559 -> as if it's already well known that Russia or North Korea

655.651 -> has like a few thousand battalions of ants ready to go.

658.811 -> More importantly, you need to get to safety.

660.522 -> Your sergeant is terrible at directions,

662.543 -> so wherever you go, you're never safe.

664.465 -> Suddenly, a new type of alien gets deployed.

667.001 -> To paraphrase the game dialogue,

668.711 -> "I... I can't shoot them. They're... they're just like us!"

672.095 -> And then you see what they're referring to,

673.734 -> and clearly it is indistinguishable from humanity.

676.549 -> Look, two arms, two legs, and a head.

679.065 -> My god.

680.247 -> It's a featherless biped.

681.673 -> The resemblance is uncanny.

683.56 -> Then, these guys get deployed and nobody says anything.

686.301 -> Who's getting the best head?

687.686 -> Post your comments in WeChat, and remember,

689.725 -> Chinese Taipei belongs to the CCP.

691.708 -> A giant battle takes place in Beijing,

694.141 -> where it's rumored that humanity has some kind of super weapon.

697.399 -> Also, Godzilla shows up.

698.763 -> This is completely unrelated to the plot.

700.695 -> Beijing defeats the invasion and reveals their super weapon.

704.749 -> Pollution.

705.397 -> No, I'm not making that up.

706.826 -> It's pollution.

707.732 -> Aliens are weak to air pollution,

709.515 -> and their blood contains microbes that scrub the air of all pollutants.

713.477 -> Late game also introduces green ants

715.757 -> that eat concrete and digest microplastic.

718.627 -> Another kaiju shows up.

720.129 -> Luckily, we have a giant mech for that.

721.955 -> It turns out the aliens are working with giant bees.

725.223 -> I have a small aneurysm, and get back to writing this review.

728.114 -> Science lady gets desperate and turns to mythology.

730.921 -> Apparently, ancient humans were created when God descended in an egg-shaped ship.

735.953 -> She gets immediately gaslit by the radio operator,

738.328 -> telling her, "That's ridiculous. We live in a real world, not fantasy."

742.069 -> "Get back to work."

742.974 -> Oh yeah, also, we need to find the egg-shaped command ship and, uh, blow it up.

746.394 -> A Pacific Rim bar fight ensues, for reasons unknown.

749.215 -> Then, I spent three missions killing a walking fortress.

752.001 -> I forgot why.

752.895 -> Probably because my blood alcohol was high enough to wipe out a family of four.

757.001 -> Or, my mind was preoccupied,

758.747 -> because you shoot the mothership and it turns into a biblically accurate angel.

763.071 -> And then, God, capital G, descends to Earth.

766.186 -> And what do they do?

767.701 -> They try to arrest him.

768.955 -> EDF tries to arrest God.

771.184 -> And God... resists arrest.

773.651 -> So, naturally, we have to murder God.

775.932 -> Yes, you kill God, because, after all, this is a Japanese role-playing game.

780.555 -> God is dead. God remains dead. and we have killed him.

784.09 -> And then, a New Vegas-style epilogue plays to tell you

786.932 -> that 90% of the world's population is fucking dead.

789.875 -> As for the remaining 10%, they're in India.

792.953 -> Please remember, this is the same nation where a politician tried to prove the safety of the Ganges River

797.98 -> by drinking its water.

799.169 -> Immediately, he was rushed to the ICU.

801.206 -> After hearing this, I hope you understand what I mean when I say that

804.412 -> EDF is a parallel universe where Down syndrome is normal,

807.717 -> and chromosomes work like Pokemon.

809.667 -> You collect them all, and they battle for dominance.

812.695 -> To close off, I'd like to share a story.

814.517 -> In elementary school, for some reason,

816.591 -> they put a special needs kid in the same class as us.

819.381 -> He really wanted to play with an action figure we had,

822.098 -> but we didn't let him.

822.97 -> Because, obviously, he's gonna destroy it.

825.338 -> So, he shoved it up his ass.

827.232 -> And now, no one could play with it, because no one wanted to.

830.719 -> And also, we were really superstitious at the time.

833.388 -> We thought that, uh, touching poop is how you catch AIDS.

836.041 -> And, for a pair of eight-year-olds, we were kinda half-right.

839.078 -> The homosexual apple does not fall far from the homosexual tree.

842.625 -> EDF, unintentionally, reveals a deep-seated truth about the human condition.

847.225 -> Aliens, if you ever dare invade our planet, we're gonna destroy it first.

853.793 -> Whoops, a 50mm Kampfwagenkanone shell just hit my neighbor.

858.033 -> I know that, because I've been playing Enlisted™ this entire time.

861.593 -> And, I need help!

862.749 -> Join for free, and use my link for three days of premium time,

866.493 -> and several orders for troops and weapons.

868.796 -> Where are we droppin'?

869.734 -> Anywhere!

870.303 -> Enlisted™ is available on PC, Xbox, and PlayStation,

873.278 -> with cross-platform support.

874.866 -> I'll see you on the front lines.

876.619 -> As always, more content to come, so stay tuned.

879.229 -> A warm thanks to the many members of the Merchants Guild,

882.001 -> generously funding and bankrolling these videos.

884.911 -> Except, I haven't had an opportunity to charge you.

887.528 -> But that will soon change.

888.798 -> You're all truly wonderful.

890.458 -> Have a good one.

Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xTAyK8Cw5LY